Billy "Dante" Kingston (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
dante_eternal) wrote2011-09-10 03:28 pm
dante_eternal) wrote2011-09-10 03:28 pm
Entry tags:
Charloft Saturday - Reality quote
"I reject your reality and substitute my own."
I'm pretty good at living in denial. Whether it's moving out to Los Angeles from Kansas in the late 1920's and completely ignoring the fact that it wasn't the wisest course of action, or discovering that the man I loved was what I always thought to be a mythical creature and acting as if it was completely normal. I could always justify/defend/accept anything that I did with my life no matter how it may have looked to others. I think a lot of us do this. Maybe it's not really denial so much as it's human nature to do one's best to accept the life they have. Or not. I have no clue, really. I never went to school past the eighth grade and think philosophy is best left to the experts like my Marius.
But there's a difference between denial and completely obliterating who you are in order to survive.
When the man I'd loved for almost 60 years was murdered by a hunter, I refused to accept it. I couldn't. Accepting it would mean that my entire life had been destroyed. I didn't want to face an eternity without him, but the part of me that had a need to survive wouldn't let me deliberately end it all. I had no choice but to become someone new, to completely destroy the man I had been with him and turn myself into a person who didn't give a shit about anyone. I did superficial things like changing my name and the color of my hair, but I forced myself to change inside, too. I had to have a new attitude and change the way I dealt with people. I was cold, distant, even cruel sometimes. Soon, the man I used to be was nothing but a memory, replaced by my new self. It was all about self-preservation. The new me didn't have to mourn or live with memories that were too painful to bear. I would never make the same mistake of loving someone whether as a friend or something more. Letting people in would be the thing that would destroy me. Or so I thought. After about 20 years I understood that it was all right to love someone, but by then it was too late for me to completely return to being my old self. It's all right. I've come to love the reality I've made for myself.
I'm pretty good at living in denial. Whether it's moving out to Los Angeles from Kansas in the late 1920's and completely ignoring the fact that it wasn't the wisest course of action, or discovering that the man I loved was what I always thought to be a mythical creature and acting as if it was completely normal. I could always justify/defend/accept anything that I did with my life no matter how it may have looked to others. I think a lot of us do this. Maybe it's not really denial so much as it's human nature to do one's best to accept the life they have. Or not. I have no clue, really. I never went to school past the eighth grade and think philosophy is best left to the experts like my Marius.
But there's a difference between denial and completely obliterating who you are in order to survive.
When the man I'd loved for almost 60 years was murdered by a hunter, I refused to accept it. I couldn't. Accepting it would mean that my entire life had been destroyed. I didn't want to face an eternity without him, but the part of me that had a need to survive wouldn't let me deliberately end it all. I had no choice but to become someone new, to completely destroy the man I had been with him and turn myself into a person who didn't give a shit about anyone. I did superficial things like changing my name and the color of my hair, but I forced myself to change inside, too. I had to have a new attitude and change the way I dealt with people. I was cold, distant, even cruel sometimes. Soon, the man I used to be was nothing but a memory, replaced by my new self. It was all about self-preservation. The new me didn't have to mourn or live with memories that were too painful to bear. I would never make the same mistake of loving someone whether as a friend or something more. Letting people in would be the thing that would destroy me. Or so I thought. After about 20 years I understood that it was all right to love someone, but by then it was too late for me to completely return to being my old self. It's all right. I've come to love the reality I've made for myself.